10 May 2015
by Bob Ellis

The Liberals (cont...)

Maurice Newman, a Liberal voter, called global warming ‘a world-wide UN-led conspiracy to embarrass our dear leader Tony Abbott, peace be unto him’, and called for a jihad against these ‘false prophets’ and their hanging, drawing and quartering in ‘public places in the appropriate cities’ lest ‘capitalism die and authoritarian Castroism engulf the planet by December, 2016.’

The University of Western Australia gave back three million intended for Pyne’s pet maddie Lomborg whom he would find, the Minister swore, ‘a university sufficiently pauperised by my previous cuts to accept him.’

Hockey, whom Abbott is planning to sack, avoided his Leader’s eyes and wriggled and sweated while announcing Budget measures that included lots of money to an auto industry he had already extinguished, money back to Aborigines already driven to suicide by its removal, and a surplus ‘sometime this century if successive Liberal governments are elected for eighty years and I as Treasurer for seventy.’

Paul Kelly, a Liberal voter, said Abbott had ‘snookered’ Shorten by agreeing with him that a fair go was better, on the whole, than universal injustice. ‘The age of entitlement is back, get used to it,’ the old fool snorted, ‘and Bill Shorten’s plan to save fourteen billion dollars by hitting seventy thousand superannuees will be very, very, nay, dare I say it, extremely unpopular. Abbott’s plan to sell Australia and let China rent it back to us has by contrast everything going for it and Shorten, wrong-footed, is doomed by his blindness to this to certain oblivion.’

Nick Cater, a Liberal voter, acclaimed as ‘a triumph for David Cameron’ an election in which 66 percent of Britain and all of Scotland had voted against him. Gerard Henderson, a Liberal voter, cursed SBS for broadcasting Struggle Street, in which white Anglo-Saxons were shown to be ‘sometimes impoverished, with drug problems, and a bush-dwelling Aborigine with an accurate slingshot resilient.’ People who lived in Darlinghurst, he said, had no right to say such things of people who lived in Mount Druitt, a full hour’s drive away from their comfortable existences. This was in contrast to Henderson, who lives in Hornsby, an hour’s drive from Darlinghurst, who had, however, ‘visited that suburb more than once, in, I think, the 1960s.’

Aborigines protested their eviction from land they had been on for forty thousand years and ‘got used to’. It was not so much a lifestyle choice, one leader said, as ‘home ground’. After forty thousand years, he added, it could even be called a ‘sacred site’ or ‘homeland’, like ‘Jerusalem is for another minority.’ Colin Barnett said he ‘must be out of his mind. He’ll be begging on the outskirts of Broome before you can say oops, ethnic cleansing.’

Abbott claimed women were an ‘underused resource. Most women could have, in a lifetime,’ he said, ‘twenty-two children. And they selfishly choose to have, on average, fewer than three. And some of them selfishly choose on top of that to stay at home breastfeeding them for as long as two months, when they could be out earning eight dollars an hour processing chickens for sale on special at Coles for eight dollars each. My Inquisitor-in-Chief Scott Morrison will deal with these heretical recalcitrants who, after he is done with them, will never breastfeed again.’

Henry Ergas, a Liberal voter, warned that the ‘politics of fairness’ might soon overwhelm Australia. ‘Such an outcome would strike at the heart of the Liberal project,’ he bayed. ‘If it prevails, and, God forbid, replaces the phrase “the politics of envy” at the heart of our resonant propaganda, the party of Menzies may never bring back WorkChoices, and we might be in deficit for centuries.’

Abbott started again to use the calumny ‘debt and deficit disaster’ to describe the best economic performance during and after the GFC by Wayne Swan, now acclaimed world wide as an economic genius. ‘If I say it was a disaster,’ he said, ‘it was a disaster. Just think disaster.’

Morrison said he would give most pensioners fifteen more dollars a week but only if he could throw young fathers off the dole for six months after Woolworths unjustly sacked them. ‘The money’s got to come from somewhere,’ he said, ‘and if you think it’s coming from tax-dodging multinationals like Rupert Murdoch, or from greedy cows like Gina Rinehart, who gas-guzzles two million dollars an hour, and spends it on suing her blood relatives, you’ve got another think coming.’

Dennis Shanahan, a Liberal voter, said the Abbott government ‘blew its first chance at the Budget’ and in this one ‘must get the balancing act right’ or face obliteration.

A seventeen-year-old was charged in the Children’s Court with terrorism after seeming to have planned with a pipe bomb to blow up his mother, whom he disliked, on Mother’s Day. He had no links with DAISH, and was culturally more similar, in some views, to the Loaded Dog, or Bart Simpson perhaps, but Abbott thought he symbolised a clear and imminent danger to world civilisation, and might be worth, might just be worth, a Chicken Little Double Dissolution in July.