06 May 2015
by Bob Ellis

The Liberals (cont...) Today

It was revealed that Abbott refused to be greeted by the gay partner of the Australian ambassador in Paris, after dining with him and threatening to ‘knuckle’ him in a screeching-match that followed three fine bottles of Veuve Clicquot at Yarralumla. This confrontation bestirred the mellifluous contempt of the entire French nation, many of whom supported gay marriage and disliked Aussie barbarians chundering prawns in the Louvre. It was thought they would raise, in revenge, the price of cheese.

Joe Hockey greeted the lowest interest rates in two hundred years as a glad incitement to the business community to ‘go out and invest, create jobs, hire butlers, buy cigars’, and rejoiced at the dollar going down. The dollar immediately went up; so did Sydney house prices, and first home buyers considered Lithgow, and a daily five hour commute to work in the inner city; and many self-funded retirees a year of wild living followed by suicide by asphyxiation in a car in a garage in Woy Woy. With rich Palestinian imagery Joe described the Reserve Bank decision as ‘cowdung, nourishing the green shoots and probing upward branches of a slant-eyed-strumpet-led recovery.’ Warwick McKibbin, a former Reserve Bank board member, described the move as ‘idiocy’ and Joe as a ‘mental defective’. The average price of a house in Sydney reached a million dollars. The obvious answer to this, a house price cap, like the footie wage cap, did not occur to anybody.

Abbott described as a ‘trivial irritant’ his Ambassador to France Stephen Brady and offered to go ten rounds with him in same ring Ernest Hemingway was knocked out in some years ago in the Fifth Arondissement, a contest to which his ‘nancy boyfriend’ was not invited. Brady again proposed to resign but Abbott said, ‘Take your medicine, poofter’ amid murmurs of distress from his younger staffers, put down the phone and smashed his champagne glass against the wall. More to come.