04 May 2015
by Bob Ellis

The Liberals (cont...) Today

Phillip Ruddock, a Liberal voter, said he was against capital punishment anywhere in the world, but made no mention of Zhu Qingping, whose male child he had helped judicially murder when he sent her back to an enforced abortion in her ninth month in China though she begged him, Ruddock, in tears to be allowed to ‘have him here, and go home without him’. He did this amid worldwide revulsion in 1999; ‘another millennium,’ he beamed, serenely, ‘a long, long time ago.’ He had since had a change of heart, he boasted, and was against judicial murder now, though not of full-grown babies, which was a ‘human right’.

Abbott swore there would be no early election, with the same vehemence with which had sworn, before the last one, there would be no cuts to health, education, NDIS, SBS or the ABC, and it seemed to most observers including the prescient swamp toad Laurie Oakes, co-assassin with Murdoch of Gough Whitlam — and with Rudd of Julia Gillard — there would be.

It was revealed that Defence had told Abbott that our next bunch of submarines should be built in South Australia, with either Australians or Europeans ‘leading the design’. Japan was not mentioned; and Abbott’s handshake deal with ‘our traditional beheaders’ the Japanese was thought by some aged cranky admirals a ‘risky proposition’ when ‘we recall what they did with our pig iron last time’. Abbott, fearing for his leadership, later eschewed the infamous hugger-mugger Abe handshake, but left Japan on the list of preferred builders, and excluded the Swedes who had made the best offer: twenty billion, built here.

The Productivity Commission proposed to let in only those migrants, regardless of their skills, who paid great wadges of money to come here. ‘We will choose who comes here,’ the haggard, maddened Minister Dutton hoarsely shrieked, ‘and the bribe we will accept for their admission to our country.’

It was thought fifty thousand, or a quarter of a million for a couple with three children, was a good minimum charge, that is, ten or twelve times what refugees paid people smugglers back when the going was good. Asked if this price range advantaged Asian gangsters, Dutton said, ‘Of course. Have we ever favoured any other kind?’ It would allow especially, he added proudly, Asian property developers to continue their demolition of our economy, in the sly guise of Australian citizens, unhindered.

A Chinese-funded coal mine, it was revealed, would ‘extinguish the koala’ and Baird was persuaded to ‘expedite its implementation’ since ‘these vermin had evaded ethnic cleansing long enough’ and they ‘held up development’ and, worse, attracted the sympathies of the closet Green oaf Luke Foley, who wanted reserves for them. Baird promised monthly koala massacres to the Shooters’ Party and put his face in his hands.

Headines in the UK Polling Report said Australia would be in recession soon, and would lose its triple-A rating. Deloitte Access Economics compared to Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’ Joe Hockey’s new deficit, 59.5 billion. This compared with his last one, 45.9 billion, and with Swan’s last one, 27 billion. ‘High house prices,’ they reported, ‘thanks to Chinese property developers, will improve the figures mightily, though they will ruin the lives of, oh, three million Australians, perhaps no more than that.’

Morrison proposed that he would pay good money to ‘keep mothers away from their babies’. His new system, he vigorously explained, was ‘not welfare, not a pension, it was an encouragement for young lactating women to go out at night and work, in the sex industry if need be, if that employment were nearby available and the young mums sufficiently good looking.’

Tge money he was planning to slosh around would go direct not to them, he explained, but the millionaire CEOs of ‘child care providers’ who imported cheap Thai women for ‘other activities, initially’ and later, when they were ‘played out’ in their mid-twenties, as drab, slack, whining baby minders. This would ‘undercut and ruin,’ he said proudly, ‘qualified Australian female university students who charge too much and who might, in some cases, not belong to Hillsong.’

The money he would find for this, he said, would be deducted from Child Care Rebates and would henceforth ensure that the average family, once the Schoolkids’ Money was cancelled in 2016, would be ‘ten thousand dollars per annum worse off’. Asked if the children thus cared for would be indoctrinated in the beliefs of Hillsong, S&M said ‘No comment’, then began to speak in tongues, evasively.

Fran Kelly, a Liberal voter, breezily predicted that the British Prime Minister, David Cameron, would win on Thursday now the Labour vote in Scotland had collapsed and the SNP would win all fifty-nine seats in that small, stroppy country. A thick-vowelled Glaswegian averred she was an ‘eedjut’, and there was ‘noa wee’ the Scots would abeed a Cameron government for one munnutt longer and they would have the deceeding votes, but she cut him off saying, ‘It sounds like true chaos over there then’, and went to the next item in feverish denial, the way she does, breathing heavily. Polling Report predicted Labour with 300 seats, the Tories with 250.

And so it went.