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19 March 2015

Tony Abbott proves he's the new Einstein: metadata bends time

Metadata never worried Tony Abbott the journalist

The Prime Minister says reporters need not fear police accessing their metadata to identify their sources- he never worried about his own metadata being accessed when he was a journalist.

'I was never worried about metadata'

Tony Abbott is a genius.
He has proved Albert Einstein's greatest theory, propounded 100 years ago. Time and space do bend!

Mr Abbott, we learn, was pumping out metadata when he was a journalist years before journalists used the internet. He was spinning stories in hyperspace before we knew it existed.

We know this because the Prime Minister told us so on Wednesday.

"In the days when I was a journalist," he revealed to seekers of truth, "there were no metadata protections for journalists and if any agency, including the RSPCA or the local council, had wanted my metadata, they could have just gone and got it on authorisation. Look, I was perfectly comfortable as a journalist."

Mr Abbott was a journalist in the second half of the 1980s. He quit the craft in 1990.

The first commercially available internet web browser, Netscape Navigator, appeared in 1994. Internet Explorer appeared in 1995. And even then, a computer with access to the internet was scarcer in the Australian news industry than a sober lunch.

Mr Abbott, in short, had managed to bend time.

He's been far too modest in the past about the interweb thingie. Before the last election, feigning to struggle to explain the Coalition's broadband policy, he confessed to interviewer Kerry O'Brien: "I'm no Bill Gates here and I don't claim to be any kind of tech head in all of this."

Foxing, obviously.

It was catching, particularly when the subject turned to the definition of metadata and Attorney-General George Brandis chimed in and bent, not time, but the minds of all who tried to understand his brilliance.

"The web address, um, is part of the metadata," Senator Brandis told Sky TV's David Speers at the time.

"The ... well, the web address, the electronic address of the website. What the security agencies want to know, to be retained is the, is the electronic address of the website that the web user is ... "

And all along, back in the 1980s, Tony Abbott was happily beavering away on a keyboard, perfectly content that people like the RSPCA or the local council could sneak a peak at the metadata that didn't exist yet was being captured within the ether, where time, just as Einstein had predicted, was being distorted. Tomorrow was yesterday. Or something.