14 July 2015
by Bob Ellis

The Libs...

It was thought Barnaby’s description of Indonesia as a bunch of poofter-bashers who might not buy our cattle if we tried gay marriage on may have had something to do with the loss of our market there, and the pardoning of two hundred thousand of of his mooing, puzzled fellow creatures now on Death Row eating expensively. It confirmed what Tony Windsor had said of him on election night 2010, ‘Barnaby Joyce is a fool’, and that Tony would now run against him, and take him out.

Scott Ludlum asked Abbott to ‘just come clean’ and admit he wanted to end renewable energy and gouge with coal mines our iconic farmlands and that was his kooky millenarian purpose. Abbott thought the public would be more intrigued by who paid Shorten’s campaign manager and would win in a landslide an August election and made preparations.

(He was disappointed, however, to learn that there would be no volcano-ash-led disaster over or near Bali now and his ACDC — Air Crash Death Cult — would not be nourished by a further search for bodies, commemorative hymns, national days of mourning and close-ups of him hugging widows in a Catholic cathedral. ‘Damn,’ he thought. ‘Damn.’)

Julie Bishop would not admit that it was Ukrainians, not Russians, or pro-Russians, who had shot down MH17, an ‘act of evil’ that still made her, nightly, ‘sick to my stomach’, and said an inquiry into an inquiry into who did it would begin in November, and make findings ‘within, perhaps, two years’. Asked if what she had done to the Indonesians — expelling their ambassador, saying they didn’t more assiduously seek to prevent the people smugglers disgorging refugees on their shores, cutting half the money we gave to them — might have in any way soured the relationship, and pardoned the cattle, she said, ‘No way. No way. What happens in the slaughterhouse stays in the slaughterhouse, and it is nothing to do with me.’

It was widely agreed that she, Barnaby, Robb and Abbott had ruined, now, the economy of the north, and Hockey and Abbott the economy of the south (cars, submarines), but it was thought by Abbott that the question of who went on Q&A was an issue more important both nationally and globally, only slightly less than who paid Shorten’s campaign manager forty thousand dollars in 2007. Asked if she would go on Q&A, she said, ‘I haven’t been asked,’ and she shot a lively hot glance at her Malvolio, Peter Hartcher, who shuddered and writhed with glee in his tight yellow stockings. Asked if the ban should continue, Turnbull said no, it was nonsense. Shorten predicted that Abbott and Barnaby ‘would never appear in the same paddock again.’

A camera neared Pluto. Skynews ruefully searched the universe for good tidings, somewhere, anywhere, for the Liberals.

Baird said the Shenhua mine wouldn’t hurt the water and ruin adjacent agriculture and thus the national economy, though experts said the dust would. The dollar sank to 73 cents. Lawyers said the ban on helping out roof solar and wind power was probably illegal, and the High Court should rule on this.

In such Westminster circumstances, a government would traditionally resign. But these were Abbott/Caribbean circumstances and it would do no such thing. He stood up and jumped about and punched the air, and said, ‘Ah am de greatest!’, obscurely.

Two hundred thousand cattle ate a million dollars’ worth of food that day. Farmers hoped that money going to the search for MH 370 might be diverted to help sort this. It was vaguely hoped a new continent would erupt in the Indian Ocean full of people born keen to eat these cattle, as greedily as Brazilians.

Some Russians were not allowed to go to a conference in Queensland. It was believed that Julie Bishop, in revenge for feeling sick to her stomach about MH 17 ‘every night of my life’, had decided, snippily, to keep them out. This discommoded Barnaby, who was proposing to sell them a whole shit-load of beef.

Baird called ‘evil’, tours to where Ivan Milat killed some people twenty years ago in the Belango State Forest, and said he would ban them hereinafter. He approved, though, tours to Gallipoli, Gound Zero, the Somme, Culloden, Gettysburg and the site of the Crucifixion; not to mention the Lindt Cafe. He showed thus a crumbling intellect, rather like Abbott, who walked the Kokoda Track yet banned his Ministers from the ‘crime-scene, Q&A,’ and ran from the chamber when Craig Thomson sauntered into it.